tangledinthisweb

I really don't expect anyone to read this, so if anyone actually does they should keep that in mind. This is pretty much jusst going to be my thoughts unrefined or dolled up to seem "kind". There are too many people I know out there with myspace or  xanga, and I'm honeestly sick of both. I need a place to write, and as the last time I kept a tangible journal it landed me in counciling...yea. Never Again. I'm far too many people at a time to keep them streight, or expect anyone to follow me through all of them. (though my theripist says I don't have split personality disorder, so I don't know how to account for it)

Time and time again I've tried to please everyone, and every time I fail miserably. All but this last time, but I've found that such a life isn't worth living. I'm a person broken beyond repair, for reasons anyone who is sadistic enough to want to know can find out if they read everything I will eventually put up here.

I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't really matter what people think of me, as it doesn't change anything about what I think or feel. At the end of the day you'll either love or hate me, because very few people choose anything in between.

I've always been so terrified of letting everyone down, and that really hasn't changed I guess, only now I choose what qualifies as "a let down", and "everybody" has been lessend to the people who mean the world to me. It works out better for everyone this way, because there are only five of them, only four who are alive , while of those four, two are family and are pratically obligated to love me, and the other two might as well be family. Maybe it's stupid to only care about the opinions of people who won't care what you do, but it allows me to care without actually caring...if that makes any sense to anyone but myself.

This seems really weird to be a first post, but I honestly can't think of much else to say. I made my dad cry today, and to be honest, I couldn't help but think he deserved it. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, but no one here can really say because none of you know about the hell we've both been through, and caused.

Maybe there will be a next time,

~ Dylan